Spring Clean Your Life

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2010-04-28T15:10:00.001+01:00

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How are your New Year’s resolutions going?

2010-01-09T16:43:00.004Z

Here we are, nine days into 2010. If you made resolutions, are you keeping to them? If so, good for you! However, if you’ve slipped in your pursuit of a realistic goal, don’t be put off. I find that if I once deviate from the path I’ve set myself, I tend to give up and focus my energy on feeling rubbish instead of achieving.

A more useful way of looking at it is that setting a goal is deciding on a destination. Once you embark on the route towards your goal, you are making the commitment to reach it. You are not swearing never to make a mistake. You have promised yourself that, by the deadline you’ve set, you will be at the specified destination. If the journey includes a couple of false starts and a few wrong turns, that’s OK, as long as you get there on time.

You will know inside whether you are seriously committed to achieving your goal but have had a temporary lapse, or whether you’re not really serious about it and are just going through the motions of trying to achieve it. If the latter is the case, I suggest you stop pretending and ditch your goal until you’re ready really to go for it. If the former is the case, don’t be too hard on yourself, and keep at it because you’ll get there in the end.

Happy 2010 to you, however your year has started.

Setting yourself New Year’s resolutions?

2009-12-31T17:26:00.003Z

If you’re in the process of setting yourself goals for 2010, do bear in mind that, as it says on the Spring Clean Your Life homepage, good goals are positive, realistic and measureable. They also come with a deadline.

I wish you a very happy New Year and I hope 2010 brings you everything you need.

It's good to talk

2009-11-29T16:31:00.003Z

As Bob Hoskins used to say on the BT advertisements, it’s good to talk. I mention this because I’ve just grasped the nettle and rung up a friend I was afraid I’d annoyed and I feel most uplifted by the result.

I thought I’d let Mark down and that he wouldn’t want to see me again. The longer we didn’t speak, the more sure I was that I was right and he had crossed me off his list of friends. When I found the courage to ring him, however, it was immediately clear that all this had been a product of my paranoid imagination and that everything was fine. We’re going to meet up next week and normal friendship has been resumed.

If he had been fed up with me, the conversation would have been more difficult but I believe we would have sorted it out. So ringing was certainly the right thing to do. When I was depressed, I found it next to impossible to pick up the telephone but, now that I can do that again, I feel hugely relieved that I haven’t lost a friend.

Almost all relationships have ups and downs. The important thing is not to let the downs slide too far; if someone is important to you, don’t let him or her slip out of your life just because it seems too hard to say you’re sorry or to address whatever the problem has been.

When you’re not communicating, worries and resentments can build up. The only way to deal with this is to keep talking. And listening, of course.

Moving on without moving away

2009-11-26T19:51:00.001Z

I was sure I would be living in South Shields by now. I’d chosen a flat to rent there, given my notice here, organised removal men and done everything to prepare for my move except actually pack. At the last minute, the estate agency, having told me there was nothing to worry about, let my prospective flat to someone else - someone with a fat, shiny job. I, being self-employed, was not a safe enough bet and there was nothing I could say or do to persuade them that I would actually pay the rent.

That was a major blow. I’d hung so much on this move: it was to be a new dawn, the opportunity to reinvent myself amongst people who didn’t know me and thus would have no expections of me. I’d planned out a whole new lifestyle and a whole new attitude.

Luckily, it suited my landlord to let me stay, so at least I wasn’t out on the street. But I felt very stuck and it seemed impossibly difficult to reinvent myself in the same environment. For a few days, I hovered on the edge of despair.

Then I realised that the momentum of having prepared for all the changes I wanted to make was going to carry me along and that I would, after all, be able to move on without moving away. So much of reality is simply one’s own perspective and a rosier view of life has been creeping up on me for some time. I thought I needed to move house in order to nurture it in new soil but actually it’s going to be able to flourish in the ashes of my old life.

If you feel stuck, remember that 90% of this may be just the way you’re looking at your situation. This is easy to say and, if you’re suffering as I was, you probably already know, deep down, that you are your own prison officer. However, it may cheer you to hear that my world is a completely different colour from the grey it was a few months ago – and this can work for you too.

Moving the goal-posts

2009-10-26T16:43:00.004Z

Well it’s been about six weeks since my last entry on this blog and my life has not gone in quite the direction I expected. The things I thought would be important to me have faded a bit and other things have come to the fore, which means I’ve had to reassess my priorities and, yes, move my goal-posts.

I wrote last time that my challenges to myself between then and Christmas were to brush up my Greek and to learn to juggle with three balls. I was very serious about Greek at the time and I did actually get out my old files, have a look through them and take it all forward. Then I went to Sicily with my family and was distracted by Italian… and then by other things, such as deciding to move to South Shields, a beautiful town on the north-east coast.

The juggling has progressed, because it fits with how I’m feeling right now. The Greek became hard work because it isn’t resonating with me in the place where I currently am, so I’ve put it back on hold. And that’s OK.

If you’re being paid to do a particular job, obviously you have to do it, whether you feel like it or not on any given day. If you find you rarely or never feel like doing it, then it’s time to see about changing your job. But if it’s a question of a hobby or peripheral activity, I say go with the flow and do what you feel like in the moment.

To maximise both achievement and happiness – and to minimise procrastination – focus your energy on what you find interesting, inspiring and involving. Goal-posts are there to help you. Once they become a hindrance, feel free to move them.

New academic year, new opportunities to learn

2009-09-09T13:11:00.003+01:00

At this time of year, my thoughts always turn to learning and self-improvement. Many of the twenty-odd Septembers since I left university have seen me enrolling on an adult-education or training course, finding myself a private tutor and/or embarking on a self-study project. Beyond my career as a language teacher, I’ve trained as a magazine journalist, scriptwriter, psychotherapist and Indian head masseuse. I’ve taken courses in time management, bridge-playing, history of art, marketing, Thai cookery and public speaking skills (I took to the latter so well that I actually teach public speaking now). I’ve had lessons in musical keyboard, hang-gliding and a variety of foreign languages.

Some of these I’ve approached as social activities and, in fact, I’ve made some good friends through them. Others have been displacement activities, which I’ve done to distract myself from my problems. Some I’ve pushed myself to do, to take me out of my comfort zone; others I’ve done to remind myself there are things I’m good at. All, in their own way, have enriched my life.

I love learning, partly because it gives me a huge sense of achievement and partly because it expands my horizons and encourages me to look at the world in new ways.

If you’re interested in languages (one of my passions), let me draw your attention to my e-course in Italian for beginners. I wrote this, with the help of native Italian colleagues, because it was the course I longed for myself, both back when I was first learning Italian and also later when I was teaching it. I’m recommending this course not just because I want to sell it but because I spent months creating it and I believe it works (the feedback I’ve had backs me up on this, which is gratifying).

Anyway, the point is, learning is good for us. It feeds the soul and moves us forward. And you don’t have to attend a course, or even have formal lessons, to benefit from great teaching. I’ve learnt tons from just hanging out with my friends and listening to what they’ve got to say about their jobs and hobbies. Renowned magician (now a friend) Iain Moran, for example, has taught me an enormous amount about magic – and he has certainly encouraged me to look at the world in a new way!

My challenges to myself between now and Christmas are to brush up my Greek and to learn to juggle with three balls. Now that I’ve written this down, they’re officially goals - so I’d better get busy.

Live your life in bright colours

2009-08-27T16:06:00.004+01:00

My friend Louise and her family have just come back from three weeks travelling around southern Europe. No alarm clocks, no deadlines, no uniforms, no responsibilities, no pressure. Instead, they had sun, sea, mountains, wonderful food and wine. They explored new places, experienced different cultures, met interesting people and made new friends. In short, they had the most blissful time.

Coming back to reality after their heavenly holidays was, however, a terrible wrench. In Louise's case, reality is somewhat challenging and she found returning to it so traumatic that she cried for several days.

I remember several, particularly foreign, holidays when I sobbed the whole way home. In fact, it was during the last of these tear-stained journeys that I resolved to avoid this happening again by actually moving to Italy - and the two years I spent in Milan were among the very best of my life so far.

Of course, I'm making it sound easy because it was easy for me. I was at the right age and stage, I already spoke Italian and I took to teaching English like a duck to water. And, in any case, moving abroad is by no means a cure for all ills. The point I'm trying to make is that if, after some time off, you are really distressed by taking up the reins of your daily life again, this highlights how important it is for you to make some changes.

However, talking to Louise, I realised something else that is just as vital in the other direction. Since coming back from Milan and experiencing some disappointments as I resettled in England, I have been very careful to protect myself. Following the break-up of my relationship and the evaporation of my career dreams, my whole life seemed to be unravelling and the way I dealt with this was to batten the hatches, hold on tightly to what I had left and avoid taking risks.

In his book (made into an excellent film) Shadowlands, CS Lewis describes how it feels to have fallen in love with a woman suffering from cancer. Their love is made all the more intense by the fact that they have a limited time together and Lewis says, looking ahead to the desolation of his life after she has gone, "The pain then is part of the happiness now".

It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all - and I would add that it is better to have lived and lost than never to have lived at all. For the past 15 years, I have existed almost exclusively in shades of grey. Time now for some bright colours.

Why do I procrastinate?

2009-08-18T18:36:00.002+01:00

As pointed out on the page about Your Work (though it’s true in every area of life), procrastination can be a real curse.

Because I’m much happier now, I procrastinate far less than I did but I used often to spend whole days engaged in what therapists call ‘intrapsychic struggle’. What this involves is my deciding I ought to achieve A, B and C today, if not D, E and F as well. Hey, it’s Saturday and we’re less likely to be interrupted by work calls, so let’s add G to the list as well. I’ve been working all week and would really benefit from some time off (that’s actually what weekends are for but I used to view them primarily as opportunities to get more done). So I attack A reluctantly and soon allow myself to be distracted. When I catch myself having ‘wasted’ time playing on Facebook or ringing a friend, I get furious and turn the full force of my sarcastic rage on my miserable inner self, who just wanted to have some fun.

Time spent in intrapsychic struggle is the worst of both worlds. You are not working but you’re certainly not relaxing either. As discussed in my previous post, ringfence leisure time and not only will you get more done, you'll have a more fulfilling life.

Deviously having fun when I'm 'meant' to be working is only one form that my procrastination has taken over the years but, however it manifests itself, what is lurking behind it is insecurity.

It was largely thanks to the book I’ve recommended on the site, Neil Fiore’s The Now Habit, that I discovered what my procrastination was all about. It explores the reasons behind procrastination and helps to combat it by debunking some myths.

If you tend to put off until tomorrow what you wish you had done today, get yourself a copy of The Now Habit and find out why. This won’t transform you into an action-hero overnight, of course, but once you understand your motivations, it’s so much easier to change your behaviour.

Get away from it all sometimes

2009-08-13T11:50:00.006+01:00

I feel much more vigorous for having had a week’s holiday. Two weeks – or even, oh luxury, three – would have been even better but actually my whole life since the end of June has been a holiday of sorts, so I really can’t complain.

However much you enjoy your daily life, though, it’s good to get away from it sometimes. For me, being far from my accustomed surroundings gives me perspective and allows me to be more creative. It helps me to realise things I couldn’t see before, because I was too close to them, to consolidate my thinking and to make any big decisions I need to make.

If you’re a workaholic, do bear in mind that a proper holiday once in a while actually makes you more productive when you get back to work. Rather than pushing yourself on and on relentlessly, give yourself some time off and you may be surprised with what new vigour - and perspective - you return to work. If you want to think outside the box, you’ve got to get away from your four walls occasionally.

Leaving quotidian concerns behind gives me time and space to give My Self more priority. I start to take more interest in what I’m eating, to feel free to spend hours walking or swimming without feeling I ought to be working. I enjoy challenging myself, both physically (mountain-hiking and so on) and psychologically (for example, by finding my way on public transport across a city I’ve never been to before). All this brings me an enormous sense of wellbeing. As I’ve mentioned, this revitalises me and makes me more creative and insightful. It also reminds me that these things are important and that I need to give them more priority in my daily life as well.

Making an efficient move

2009-07-06T19:11:00.002+01:00

Last week, I moved out of my office. Five straightforward rooms, pretty basically appointed and without all the extra stuff and clutter associated with a private residence - or so I believed. I thought it would take a day and a half at most to empty and clean it... Well, ha ha! I was at it solidly for four days, the latter two starting respectively at 6 and 3 o'clock in the morning. Packing, sorting, taking things to the dump, taking down pictures, unscrewing flat-pack shelves and so on and so on - you know what it's like.

In case it might be of any help to anyone about to embark on a move, I'll make a few notes of the lessons I learnt.

1. Start early. This is not the first move I've ever made, of course, but I always make this mistake. I want the place to look normal until the last minute and I just don't allow enough time to organise myself easily. If you can begin putting a few things in boxes - and, ideally, taking them to wherever you're going - a week plus before your moving date, this will save you agro later on. It will also give you enough time to sort stuff and chuck out what you don't need. If you're packing at the last minute, you just have to pack everything and you end up bringing a load of stuff you would have thrown away if you'd had time.

2. Plan carefully. Along with starting early, think about what moving involves and make sure you do big things well in time. I mean things like arranging storage, booking someone with a van to help you carry your stuff, selling anything you want to sell. Leaving this sort of planning too late usually lets you in for additional expense as well as stress. Think also about how much notice you need to give to cancel contracts such as your telephone and internet. And don't forget to defrost the fridge.

3. Keep yourself motivated. Moving house with minimal or no help is absolutely exhausting!! It's easy to feel you need a rest every quarter of an hour, but that only serves to prolong the job. What made all the difference to me was having the radio on. I had three sets, in different parts of the building, so I could hear it wherever I was, and the slight distraction of what I was listening to allowed me to forget how tired I was and keep on working.

4. If at all possible, get people to help you.

5. Leave yourself a few days blank to recover afterwards! Don't be too ambitious about what you're going to achieve in the next place, or anywhere else. You need to rest before you can face the next challenge.

Love thy neighbour as thyself

2009-06-20T11:06:00.005+01:00

The Biblical commandment that we should love other people as we love ourselves is an excellent guideline. Too often in relationships, one person's needs consistently take priority over the other's. Sometimes this is obvious from the start but sometimes it can take years for those involved to realise what is happening - and the latter case is particularly dangerous.

I have several times found myself in relationships where the other person so took it for granted that I should subordinate my needs to his or hers that I went along with it without having any idea how deeply I was being affected by living like this. One 'boyfriend', for example, was always telling me that I talk too much and that nobody is interested in what I've got to say. Since he never remembered anything I told him, even if it was important to me, I saw there was some truth in his advice and I virtually stopped talking about myself to anybody. Looking back on this now, I'm horrified that I put up with this man for so long (three years!!) but, at the time, my self-esteem was so low that I adapted myself to what he wanted, in the hope he might give me some affirmation.

The only reason for feeling bad about yourself is if you deliberately inflict pain and suffering on others. Otherwise, you should love yourself. If you feel like rubbish because you drink too much alcohol, you eat too much, you smoke too much, you gamble, etc, etc, you've got this the wrong way round. Your low self-esteem is the cause, not the result, of this harmful behaviour. If you start to forgive yourself, to cut yourself some slack and to treat yourself positively - in other words, to love yourself - your need to indulge in the harmful behaviour will diminish and diminish until it finally falls away.

You are not more important than everyone else but you are certainly not less important either. This is why the commandment from the Bible is so good: yes, love your neighbour. But love yourself equally.

Finding a therapist or counsellor

2009-06-16T12:46:00.003+01:00

Finding the right therapist or counsellor for you is not always easy. When you’re looking around, feel free to ask lots of questions about the person’s professional background, experience and qualifications. In the end, it’s not pieces of paper that count but wisdom and empathy, but remember that you are the client and it’s essential you find a therapist or counsellor who suits you. Be guided by your gut instinct as well as your cerebral research; you must respect and trust the person if he/she is going to be able to help you.

Some internet exploration may assist you in identifying the sort of therapy/counselling you want (eg, transactional analysis, person-centred, cognitive-behavioural, Gestalt…).

From personal experience, I can recommend transactional analysis - though I went through several therapists before I found the one who really helped me.

Welcome!

2009-06-15T14:37:00.004+01:00

Hello everybody and welcome to my new blog. As I've said on Spring Clean Your Life, the website that this blog accompanies, I am in the throes of spring cleaning my life in a major way. I'm closing my business, with a view to working on the internet instead and thus being able to travel more. I'm also moving house, making new friends and sorting out existing relationships. I'm making regular visits to the hospital with skin problems and, during this period of upheaval, I'm struggling to make ends meet. So there's a lot going on for me at the moment!

Sometimes I feel daunted and a bit frightened and other times I feel excited and even elated. It's an education as well as an adventure and I'll record in this blog all the lessons I learn that I think might be useful to other people. If you're embarking on a similar journey, please use the comment facility to share what you learn along the way.